The Fear

Don't surrender your loneliness
So quickly.
Let it cut deeper.
Let it ferment and season you
As few human
Or even divine ingredients can.
Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft,
My voice
So tender,
My need of God
Absolutely Clear....


Nothing describes my state of mind better than the words of Hafiz. Sitting all by myself as the violent waves of Bay of Bengal kept hitting their heads against the stone walls of Pondicherry's Beach Road, I realised loneliness was driving me unstable. There were even times when the deep sea, enveloped in an eerie darkness, appeared inviting. Trust me, I wanted to walk into it. It was gut-wrenching as emotions welled up inside me in a strange fashion. But did not you ask for this, said a very dear friend. Yes, I wanted to be alone. Just by myself.

Once inside the Ashram, I always felt assured. There too I was alone but not unstable. I know why. When your mind is clouded by a million thoughts, you lose way.

By the sea, I was asking myself questions that always bothered me. Am I on track? Am I doing professionally well? Are others racing ahead of me? Am I doing what I like or all that is just perfunctory? Why do I hate some people so strongly? Why are the people I love so intensely not with me? And why am I alone? Did I choose to be lonely or have I been left alone? Have I been a good son?

The answers are hard to come by. Then I met this guy. Only a few days ago. Someone who can easily make millions sitting right in his chamber in an international bank's corporate headquarters, he was busy looking for solutions to environment problems and livelihood issues in some of the most backward districts of India. I asked why. "I wanted to. Moreover, I love this sense of uncertainty around me," he replied.

I don't know if he was honest or just had this facade but I realised something. It's that fear of losing something or someone you possess or you want to possess so badly in life. When it grips you, you tend to hold on to things and then try to cling on to more and more as a sense of insecurity keeps invading you. It’s a vicious circle and never ends.

I found myself encircled in one. And I want a way out. That’s why this search. The long search.