The Interregnum

This is a blank phase in my life. A phase I would like to forget but I know I will remember. It's a phase of nothingness. It has, as if, stopped between two moments of time. A kind of interregnum. An endless one. It's a phase I have completely lost control over. It's chaotic but shows nothing outwards. The chaos and the disturbances sometimes overpower me and threaten to make me what I dread to be. It has been peaceless. I feel like being imprisoned in a castle surrounded by a deep moat. Only that the castle is pervaded by darkness. I believe that I am chained by my own frailties and insecurities. And I can't escape from their clutches.


I badly want to, though. So much so that I want to walk away. Walk away from everything I have. Head into an exile. May be to a place where I don't have to share my space with anyone; where there is just me. I can distinctly remember a disturbing film called The Quiet wherein the protagonist Dot says (and I quote) "All I wanted was to be invisible. It was a simple request. It didn't involve anyone else. When I was in a room with another person, I felt like I was only half there. When I was in a room with two other people, I felt like a third of myself. When I was in a room with three other people, I felt like a quarter of myself. And when I was in a whole crowd of people, I felt like nobody." That's my state of mind now.

I know I am guilty of being selfish. But right now, I want to go; run away from this darkness before it consumes me. May be there is more waiting for me and I might just lose myself for the time being. But I want to go. Where? I don't know.

Awake for hours and staring at the ceiling
Through the unsettled stillness of the night
He grows possessed of the obsessive feeling
That dawn has come and gone and brought no light.....Vikram Seth