the long search

When you have nowhere to go, go back to yourself.

déjà vu

Last time I met him, he hardly spoke.

Sometimes, he would just shut up and shut himself out for weeks together. And, when he does that, he can be pretty much insufferable. It is well-nigh impossible to know beneath that frivolous facade does lie a gloomy persona. Someone suffocating to the core.

Years ago, when I first ran into him and this side of his, a friend said ‘it’s his way of unwinding.’ He probably was looking for another word to substitute ‘unwinding’ but did not get any. I think he meant 'self-examination.'

I met him last night. He stood there on the terrace, bending forward over the dwarf wall, as if attempting to catch hold of something that was flying by. There was nothing I could see though.

I made no attempt to talk to him. It would have been an exercise in futility. I respected his philosophy of respecting people’s space. “Let them be,” he would always say. Some mistook it for his aloofness and indifference to others.

I left him alone on the terrace and walked into his room. As I drew closer, I could clearly hear Mehdi Haasan’s rich baritone (if I can say that) from his computer’s speakers. The volume was set very low. As if the great singer was whispering away. I turned the speaker volume higher. The voice was resonating:
Keh do in hasraton se kahiin aur jaa basein
Itnii jagah kahaan hai dil-e-daaghdaar mein*….

His personal diary was lying on the table. I know how he loved his diary. He has been writing since he was 17, he once told me. For the last few months, he had stopped though. “I write only when I feel compelled to,” he had said. You could well substitute it for “when I am either happy or sad.”

I opened it. There were blank pages. I saw one. Then I saw another. Some more…..and more. So many. Do blank pages mean he is sad? Because it meant he was not happy.

I reached December 10. There were just two lines scribbled on it.

It read: It's a sense of déjà vu. But when people choose to walk away from you, all you can do is wish them well in life.
*The lines by Bahadur Shah Jaffer mean:
Tell these desires
To go and settle down somewhere else
Where is so much space
In this scarred heart?


Agnes 12 December 2008 at 08:29  

Who is he? A friend of yours?
I'm curious. You describe him so well.

Keshi 12 December 2008 at 11:03  

wow Im touched by this post! Absolutely loved it's flow and cud relate to how he feels too.

** “when I am either happy or sad.”

thats so true. the in betweens go unheard or unwritten, for ppl hardly wanna express the neutrals.

**To go and settle down somewhere else
Where is so much space
In this scarred heart?

I love how this part gives a voice to my long battle with desires.

btw is he you? u dun hv to ans that qn.


Trevor Penn 12 December 2008 at 11:09  

Hey, Soul.

When i read pieces like these, i hope that it's a work of fiction.

FWIW, the narrative was beautiful.

Talking To My Soul 12 December 2008 at 16:40  


Yes, Agnes, all I can say is I know him inside out. I know since he was 22.

I cant thank you enough for reading it with so much interest.

Keep coming back.


Talking To My Soul 12 December 2008 at 16:42  


Heyyy thanks so much, Kesh. I am glad you liked it so much and could even related to "him."

I completely agree when you said the in-betweens go unheard of. Sometimes, unspoken too.

As for who he is? What do you think? Who do you think he is?

Thanks again. Keep coming over.


Talking To My Soul 12 December 2008 at 16:56  


I would leave it you, Crooner, to decide if it's fact or fiction.

Thanks for those generous comments. I value them.


goooooood girl 12 December 2008 at 17:59  

your blog is feel good......

WarmSunshine 12 December 2008 at 20:41  

Hmmm.... so you know him... I wish him well in life... i hope he gets over it.... i hate the fact the ppl walk away in life... i find nothing more cruel than that....

nice way you described it all... the dark creeping on you... you can learn to love it a little :)

happy bloggin' buddy!

Talking To My Soul 12 December 2008 at 22:53  

-->Goooooood Girl

Should I take feel good as a compli or need I do something about it?

Thanks for dropping in, Good Girl. I am a little surprised though. What's it about by the way?



Talking To My Soul 12 December 2008 at 22:58  


Girl, thanks so much for the words of compassion for "him." I too hope he gets over. Soon.

About people walking away, sometimes, you can do nothing but watch them go away.

Yes, the dark one seems to be around. He and I have a pact.

Thanks for reading and feeling for the man.


Keshi 13 December 2008 at 04:30  

I think it's you...if it is you, I'd like to meet u some day in person...I think we hv alot in common. dun worry, I wont bore u :)

btw come n check out the winners!


Talking To My Soul 13 December 2008 at 16:15  


Hmmmmmm...So does it mean, Kesh, you will meet me only if I am that "him"? So sad!

Saw the winners, lady. Found myself there although I did nothing to deserve a place. I never wrote captions for the pictures, in the very first place.

Thank you very much.


Keshi 15 December 2008 at 06:37  

no I didnt mean that I'd ONLY meet u if u were that person :)

u did write captions..KESHI were ur captions rem?


Talking To My Soul 15 December 2008 at 13:40  


Just kidding, Kesh. I guess the world
is small and we'll meet someday.

Yes, Kesh was(were) the caption(s), I
remember. Because that's what I could
see and think of.


Keshi 15 December 2008 at 14:48  


howzat? ;-)


Talking To My Soul 15 December 2008 at 15:03  


That's actually great, Kesh.

Sometimes I wonder how do you manage so many posts and such response?


Keshi 16 December 2008 at 05:25  

**Sometimes I wonder how do you manage so many posts and such response?

I dun post that regularly now..did u notice? :)


Talking To My Soul 16 December 2008 at 13:00  


You say you don't post so regularly and lo and behold! There is a new post, eh!

To maintain such frequency is simply great, trust me.


Keshi 16 December 2008 at 14:56  

I did post today yes...but it wont be like that every week :)


Talking To My Soul 16 December 2008 at 16:11  


On the contrary, Kesh, it should be like the last weeks and the weeks that preceded. Should a frewheeling spirit be chained, lady?


Keshi 17 December 2008 at 05:34  

awww...but Im not chaining my spirit tells me to be that way. :) so I follow my inner voice..


Talking To My Soul 17 December 2008 at 12:00  


Good then, Kesh. Follow yourself and none else. That's the way, I say.


Keshi 18 December 2008 at 07:14  

tnxx Soul!


Talking To My Soul 18 December 2008 at 14:01  


Have a good time, Kesh. Stay well.


Lena 19 December 2008 at 18:44  

thats really greatly written... you just managed to write emotions down..

And right, when people walk away.. we cant do anything, thats the bitter truth of life :(

Talking To My Soul 19 December 2008 at 20:07  


Thanks, Lena.

You rightly said truth is bitter but it's truth.


Keshi 23 December 2008 at 12:33  

Merry Christmas Soul!

my current post is all abt SOUL :)


Talking To My Soul 23 December 2008 at 17:34  


Merry Christmas to you, Kesh. And to all those you love.

Saw the post. Sigh! Can't comment. Stay good and take care.

Enjoy yourself. God bless you.


Agnes 26 December 2008 at 04:24  

Yes I was a bit mystified...

Talking To My Soul 26 December 2008 at 15:43  


And why so, Agnes? Why were you so mystified? Do tell me.

Have a good good trip, by the way.


handmade jewelry 6 January 2009 at 17:32  

i agree your idea ! very nice blog

Talking To My Soul 6 January 2009 at 18:30  


Heyy thanks really. Do keep coming over.


About this blog

If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed