the long search

When you have nowhere to go, go back to yourself.

Smiley Girl

The one with an ear-to-ear grin, another sulking and a third one shedding tear drops like a dark bulbous cloud bursts into rain were the smileys she used most; the first being her clear favourite. I never thought internet icons could actually define anyone but the smileys did characterise her in a strange way.

Like the smileys, she seemed to laugh heartily. Just like a child. Sometimes, she appeared to be crying inconsolably too. As a child would, after losing the doll she loved most. Now she would be on cloud nine and the next moment, she would be lost somewhere.

She was completely in love with life even though she seemingly had no clue of it sometimes and tried very hard to pull herself together to stand up to it. No matter if the odds were stacked against her. That's what I liked about her. She never seemed to give up on hope even in the depths of hopelessness.


"Are you writing some short-story or what?" I asked as I read through the lines standing quietly behind him on the computer last evening.

"Why do you ask?" he replied without bothering to look at me. Incorrigible is probably what he wanted to say but didn't. He knew I had this tendency of barging in. He did not try to stop me. It would have been futile. So, he got back to the keyboard like I did not exist.


Last time, I caught hold of her online she was pulling her hair out in frustration over some office work she had not been able to wrap up. The computer ‘hanged’ one time too many, she complained before realizing and correcting herself - ‘it hung.’ She did that often and I always pointed it out.

Sometimes I thought she used smileys with such frequency that the mis-spellings were anything but natural despite her possessing a fine flair for writing. Mamma made a ‘yummg’ curry, she said the other night before making amends for it – Ooops! It was ‘yummy.’ I guess ‘yummg’ is yummier than ‘yummy,’ I told her. The ear-to-ear grinning icon was back.


“Will you tell me what this is about,” I was getting curious and clearly losing patience. “Is this some kind of dedication or what?” I shot another query.

“No. I had promised I would write about her once in my website before she went away,” he said.

“Where is she going? What do you mean by ‘before she went away?’ ” I followed up with more.

“I can’t tell you everything, can I? All I can say is she will be gone soon.” He got back to writing.


It’s a tough phase for her. Defining, perhaps. And she was sacrificing a lot for it. Still she foresaw herself in disasters sometimes. For a 20-something, it must have been unsettling but she never complained.

“I am worried about you,” I told her once. “Even I am worried about myself,” she replied.

“I wish I could do something beyond praying for you.”

“Prayers are all I need,” she said.

One more smiley followed. This one was immersed in deep thoughts.


WarmSunshine 13 January 2009 at 23:24  

i'm in tears after reading this....

it's so... God.. i'm so touched.... *hugs*

Agnes 14 January 2009 at 03:47  

Very nice job.

Keshi 14 January 2009 at 05:05  


This post told so many stories in the open...stories that were never told before...some things I myself were speechless abt...

I loved it Soul. Is it abt a real friend of ur's?


Talking To My Soul 14 January 2009 at 14:28  


Hey dear, the post was my take on a little girl I know. It was not intended to make anyone sad. Just hope she stays happy always.

Thanks for liking it, girl. Thank you so much. I am touched too.


Talking To My Soul 14 January 2009 at 14:30  


Thank you so much, Agnes. Why can't I see much of you lately?


Talking To My Soul 14 January 2009 at 15:31  


Yes, it's about a real little friend, Kesh. I really hope she does well in life, gets all that she wants and remains happy always. I pray for her.

I'm glad you liked the post. Thanks so very much for always remembering to drop by.


Trevor Penn 14 January 2009 at 16:56  

I can only echo what the others have said. Thank you, Soul, for keeping it real.

I wish your friend the best.

Talking To My Soul 14 January 2009 at 17:22  


I am glad you found it real. That's what it was meant to be. Else I would have felt guilty.

I hope and pray she does well. Thanks for dropping by, mate.


Agnes 14 January 2009 at 22:34  

Thanks for asking.
I was having computer problems and lost my site... I was going to put up a new one but I have to tell you it is a strangely liberating experience not having one, even though I wasn't spending much time on it before...
So I don't know... I guess I'll put up something sooner or later...
Nice profile picture by the way!! You look very familiar.

Talking To My Soul 14 January 2009 at 23:41  


Oh! God. I did not realise that since I have blog-rolled you and get to see the new post whenever it's up. Now I see, it's gone!!!

Yours is one of the loveliest blogs I have come across, Agnes. It's so very clean for a viewer. Do find it again. Please. I am sure there must be a way to retrieve it.

But yes, not having to sit before a computer or even getting to use a cellular phone sometimes can prove so "liberating." One almost feels free. I have experienced that while on trips to places technology can't access.

But you must come back soon. Sooner than later. Take care both of you.

Thanks again. And yes, I guess half of the Indian men look like I do. And you are just back from a trip to India. It's fresh on your mind. That's why I look familiar. Ha! ha!


Q 15 January 2009 at 03:34  

Dear Soul,
I too will pray for this young woman. May she be blessed.
You tell a compelling story.
Thank you.

Keshi 15 January 2009 at 05:26  

aww that makes it even more special...a real story of a lil girl. I wish her well, always!


Talking To My Soul 15 January 2009 at 14:18  


Thank you so much, Sherry. I wish her well all her life. May she be blessed.

Thanks for visiting. Keep coming back.


Talking To My Soul 15 January 2009 at 15:01  


Yep, it's very special, Kesh. She is such a lovely girl, so young and so full of life. I may not have known everything about her but I know her a bit and I am worried. May God bless her.

Thanks for the wishes. Thank you, as always.


Keshi 16 January 2009 at 04:47  


but worried? why?


Talking To My Soul 16 January 2009 at 12:22  


Yes, I am worried because she is in such a situation in life now. But I am sure she will stand up to it.

Howz you doing? Out of that numbing mood by now?


Keshi 17 January 2009 at 04:25  

o ok...I hope all will be ok for her.

numbness is there..its become a part of me..


Talking To My Soul 17 January 2009 at 15:46  


I guess it will stay for sometime, Kesh. Time has created it and only time can soften it up. I say give it the time it needs. You are such a wonderful person. This numbness does not go well with the essence of KESHI.

smile now.


Just call me 'A' 18 January 2009 at 02:46  

thank god for smileys. it has saved me from many is rainy day.
nice job on the potrayal

Talking To My Soul 18 January 2009 at 03:21  


Thank you so much.

I guess, I too now like smileys.

Thanks for dropping by.


Just call me 'A' 18 January 2009 at 04:30  

thanks for the blogroll, you'll see me often..i think i'm going to like visiting this page

Talking To My Soul 18 January 2009 at 14:22  


Heyy thanks, A. Thank you so very much.


Keshi 19 January 2009 at 10:46  

aww tnxx!

**This numbness does not go well with the essence of KESHI.

it does...cos Im not sweet all the time. LOL1


Talking To My Soul 19 January 2009 at 13:47  


You dont have to be sweet all the time. We talked about my diabetic tendencies, right? Ha Ha. Come on, no one is sweet all the time then. So relax.

But dont allow the numbness to linger is what I want to say. You are the Viva Forever, remember.


Lena 19 January 2009 at 15:25  

you know i use them a lot.. but people manage always to figure out when they are real and when they are fake.
beautifully written, hope your friend will do well in life :)

Talking To My Soul 19 January 2009 at 20:34  


You are right. The fakes can not be concealed.

I pray my friend gets what her heart is longing for and may she show up with tons of "smiling" smileys sometime soon.

Thanks, Lena.


WarmSunshine 19 January 2009 at 23:03  



Talking To My Soul 20 January 2009 at 02:16  


Smile, Mehreen. Smile. That's the gift of God.

Bless you.


Keshi 20 January 2009 at 05:32  

sometimes Im as blue as a smurf hehe...

tnxx Soul!


Talking To My Soul 20 January 2009 at 11:44  


Ah! The Lady in Blue.


About this blog

If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed