the long search

When you have nowhere to go, go back to yourself.

The Interregnum


This is a blank phase in my life. A phase I would like to forget but I know I will remember. It's a phase of nothingness. It has, as if, stopped between two moments of time. A kind of interregnum. An endless one. It's a phase I have completely lost control over. It's chaotic but shows nothing outwards. The chaos and the disturbances sometimes overpower me and threaten to make me what I dread to be. It has been peaceless. I feel like being imprisoned in a castle surrounded by a deep moat. Only that the castle is pervaded by darkness. I believe that I am chained by my own frailties and insecurities. And I can't escape from their clutches.


I badly want to, though. So much so that I want to walk away. Walk away from everything I have. Head into an exile. May be to a place where I don't have to share my space with anyone; where there is just me. I can distinctly remember a disturbing film called The Quiet wherein the protagonist Dot says (and I quote) "All I wanted was to be invisible. It was a simple request. It didn't involve anyone else. When I was in a room with another person, I felt like I was only half there. When I was in a room with two other people, I felt like a third of myself. When I was in a room with three other people, I felt like a quarter of myself. And when I was in a whole crowd of people, I felt like nobody." That's my state of mind now.

I know I am guilty of being selfish. But right now, I want to go; run away from this darkness before it consumes me. May be there is more waiting for me and I might just lose myself for the time being. But I want to go. Where? I don't know.

Awake for hours and staring at the ceiling
Through the unsettled stillness of the night
He grows possessed of the obsessive feeling
That dawn has come and gone and brought no light.....Vikram Seth

7 comments:

Diana 28 September 2008 at 10:45  

Right now, U hav a disturbed heart. But u aren't alone.

The most beautiful people of the world can have a turmoil in their hearts.

The most highly favoured person on your job may go home to an empty house.

The richest person you know may have the car, the house, the clothes . . . but might be lonely.

Enjoy what you have. Like who you are and you would find peace.

Somebody had once told me: Life has a pechant for giving us tears when we want smiles - and pain when we want comfort - but then smiles we do make out of our tears - and comfort through our pain - and that is what life wants us to be able to do.

Be happy with urself Siba and silver linings out of the darkness will appear out of no where.

Take care.

Keshi 28 September 2008 at 11:12  

u know wut, I've felt like this many times too...it comes n goes. I've often written posts abt how EMPTY and DARK life is sometimes. But u hv gotta hold on to HOPE...cos there's always a Day that arrives after Night.


*HUGZ* TC!

Keshi.

Talking To My Soul 30 September 2008 at 00:42  

--> Di Sa

Thanks.
I know. I am not the hopeless type. I am actually the restless one. And I understand happiness-hunting is a bad idea. So, I am not. I just want this to blow over.

Cheers!

Talking To My Soul 30 September 2008 at 00:44  

--> keshi

Heyy Keshi,

Thanks for stopping over, lady. I know, I will have a stop-over sometime soon and it will be dawn time then.

Cheers!

Keshi 30 September 2008 at 05:30  

ofcourse u can add me to ur blogroll :)

tnxx mate!


Keshi.

spookydragonfly 23 February 2009 at 07:25  

I'm going back on some of your posts, since I've just found your blog. This is powerfully sincere. I've been here too, many times. All you can do is hope it passes...quickly.

Talking To My Soul 23 February 2009 at 10:45  

-->Dragonfly

Thank you so very much for taking all the pain to read. I am touched.

I think and hope such phases do pass quickly.

Thanks again.

*cheers*

About this blog

If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed